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Hate watch: Fantastic Four

Thanks, HBO! Instead of things I could be doing, I decided to pull up the most recent Fantastic Four movie off the DVR and hate watch it. Enjoy my stream of consciousness notes as I went along.

Ugh, the childhoods of the Fantastic Four. Reed's a nerd! Ben's an abused kid from the wrong side of the tracks!

Misunderstood teenage genius. Ten minutes to establish that Reed is weird and smart and Ben Grimm is his unlikely friend. Well paced, movie.

The Baxter Building! Somehow containing both a top research facility and a college for super geniuses.


Sexy motherfucker!

Everything you need to know about Deadpool can be summed up in the mid-movie montage, in which the newly coined Deadpool tries to hunt down the man who turned him into Deadpool. You see the evolution of his costume, you see the evolution of his skills, and it's all set to a deliberately tacky 90's style movie rap explaining Deadpool and who he is. It's a closing credits rap, but it's right in the middle of the goddamned movie.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens

NOTE: This post contains no spoilers. But a very clever person could conceivably synthesize things with this general info and some of the readily available stuff about the movie. So, if you're super-concerned but can't get out to see it yet, there is a small but non-zero risk.

There's an argument to be made that Star Wars/ Ep 7 relies too heavily on plot beats and tropes from Epiosde 4. But I'm not going to be the one making that argument.


So. Ant-Man.

The thing about Ant-Man is that it gets judget at least three ways. As a movie, as a superhero movie, and as a Marvel movie, and all three give you different results.

It fares best as a superhero movie. It's way better than Green Lantern or Man of Steel, more comfortable than X-Men First Class, less convoluted than Days of Future Past, better looking and better action than The Wolverine, and way, way smarter than the Garfield Spider-Mans.

DCCU Trailers: My Top Three Hates

San Diego Comic Con came and went, and left in its wake were trailers for both Suicide Squad and Batman Vs. Superman.

I make no bones about my hate for Zack Snyder, Man of Steel, or the DC Cinematic Universe taking it's no-joy, no-fun cues from self-hating superhero movies like Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy. But I'd harbored secret hopes for Suicide Squad, because sometimes, Suicide Squad has been a dark comedy, and maybe some of that would leak through. Nope.

The three biggest things I hated from the Suicide Squad trailer:

Mad Max: Fury Road

It's been about two and a half hours since I watched Mad Max: Fury Road, and I'm still feeling a bit... pummeled.

This movie sets a new bar for an assault on the senses. It starts loud. It starts fast. And for the next two hours, it continues, almost unrelentingly, to be fast and to be loud. It relents so rarely to catch its breath that you never really relax, because essentially, once the opening chase sequence is complete, the movie is one long chase.

Avengers: Age of Ultron (No Spoilers Or Really Any Content At All)

You don't need to know a lot from me about Avengers: Age of Ultron, so I'll keep this brief and spoiler-free.

First, it meets your expectations, unless you have weird expectations, in which case, that's on you. If you're wrong about what this movie is and does, I can't help you.

Second, it's not quite as good as the first one. But the first one was a fucking achievement. This one has busier action sequences and a couple of them get out of hand, especially the one that opens the movie, which also has some dodgy effects.

The Babadook

I'm not a big horror guy. I'm not particularly averse to any of the elements that make up a horror movie - gore, creepiness, startle-jumps, etc., I just tend to like those elements servicing other genres, not piled together without much else going on.

Even my favorite horror movies are either straight-up horror comedies like Shaun of the Dead, or something like Cabin in the Woods, which is horror and comedy and also general cleverness.

Furious Seven

I am actually new to the Fast and Furious series. I think I watched like 20 minutes of Tokyo Drift on basic cable once. Maybe.

But plans were made to see Furious 7 in the theater, which required me to finally do the thing I'd been thinking about getting around to for a while and get caught up on the series. Well, not the entire series. That would be madness. But Five and Six, generally regarded to be the essential ones. Five was a solid, ridiculous action movie set in a world where activities that, in our world, would not necessarily involve cars, in this world, ALWAYS INVOLVE CARS.

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