It's fucking astonishing. America decides, for one of the first times ever, that a close examination of what a fast-food chain is serving is warranted. And they decided to throw a shit-fit about Subway's "Footlong" sandwiches being eleven inches long sometimes.

A half-second of thought from anyone who's ever been to Subway twice and this thing would have disappeared like a fart in an empty football stadium. This, of course, did not happen.

It was nearly two years ago that Taco Bell attempted to match wits with more upscale, fast-casual restaurants by introducing the Cantina Tacos, a line of traditional, corn tortilla tacos with more adventurous fillings, including carnitas that tasted like hot dogs.

I don't know who invented the arepa, but clearly, they invented it just for me. Fuck centuries of South American culinary history. Clearly they had me in mind when they thought these things up.

So, I have, as it turns out, been eating at food trucks more often this year than in previous years.

Usually, I have leftovers. Usually, I have a limited budget. Usually, I care about these things. But so far, in May, circumstances have allowed for a more frequent... frequenting of the downtown Minneapolis truck scene.

Which, yes, mainly means the long walk to World Street Kitchen, but I did go to one other truck once, thought about going to another, and would have bought something at a third, so that counts, right? Anyway, here's what I've been eating, where, and why.

With a new neighborhood comes new neighborhood joints. Even if the neighborhood was one I traveled to a lot before, where the Taco Bell and the Wendy's and the nice pan-Asian places were.

So last week, I read a report that Taco Bell was testing a new menu item. Doritos Locos Tacos.

Having already endured the horror that is the burrito with Flamin' Hot Fritos in it, I know what you're thinking. It's a taco topped with bits of Doritos, because nobody needs that and it would be disgusting. But no. Taco Bell is going one step farther than that.

They appear, through dark wizardry and evil science, to have created a taco shell made out of Nacho Cheese Dorito. And they want to use it to make tacos out of. Loco tacos.

So yesterday, I popped both my food truck and banh mi cherries at the same time. Which I know sounds like it requires more flexibility than a food nerd blogger possesses, but it was surprisingly easy.

I actually don't know how I've managed to go this long without having a banh mi. I've always known I'd like them, because I like every element of the formula. I like meat, I like pickled vegetables, I like jalapeno peppers, I like mayo, and I like fresh herbs including cilantro. I like baguettes, and I like sandwiches.

I'm not sure what to make of this:

Serious Eats' review of the Cantina Tacos

I mean, yeah, their opinion is different from mine. On the Internet, no less. Which means they are Nazi Satan. But all hyperbole aside, it's just so damn wrong.

So on Thursday, drained from a week of chronic back pain and a long day at work, I found myself at Taco Bell for dinner. And I vaguely remembered seeing commercials for new items at Taco Bell, something involving cilantro and lime. I will of course always try any new item at Taco Bell that isn't based around either bacon or lettuce, so I looked.

And I blinked.

And I looked again.

And I blinked again.

In medieval times, chefs developed sauces in order to mask the flavors of meats whose quality had deteriorated over time.

On a completely unrelated note, here's an embedded commercial.