I'm not sure what to make of this:

Serious Eats' review of the Cantina Tacos

I mean, yeah, their opinion is different from mine. On the Internet, no less. Which means they are Nazi Satan. But all hyperbole aside, it's just so damn wrong.

So on Thursday, drained from a week of chronic back pain and a long day at work, I found myself at Taco Bell for dinner. And I vaguely remembered seeing commercials for new items at Taco Bell, something involving cilantro and lime. I will of course always try any new item at Taco Bell that isn't based around either bacon or lettuce, so I looked.

And I blinked.

And I looked again.

And I blinked again.

In medieval times, chefs developed sauces in order to mask the flavors of meats whose quality had deteriorated over time.

On a completely unrelated note, here's an embedded commercial.

The Italian Beef sandwich is one of those Chicago things. I didn't seek one out while I was in Chicago, because I had more interesting fare in mind, but destiny put one in my hands anyway.

So, how did I end up at Gabutto Burger in the first place?

Just a quick note:

What in the ever-loving cheese-topped holy fuckarito is the deal with Taco Bell's new $2.00 value meals? Ataco, a drink, and... a bag of Doritos?

This isn't fucking Subway. I have never sat in a Taco Bell, dining on a pile of warm fried corn and artificial cheese, and said to myself, "You know what this meal needs? Two ounces of bagged cold fried corn and artificial cheese."

In just a few short hours, something completely stupid and unmomentous will occur. Subway will start serving breakfast.

I don't know who asked for this. I just know it wasn't me. I have never walked or driven past a Subway at eight o' clock in the goddamned morning, and raged at the cold, uncaring universe that kept me from eating there. If you have, I shudder to think at what other perverse notions rattle around in your skull.

Until Saturday, I have been immune to the charms of the "take and bake" pizza concept. I mean, pizza is one of the few foods that can consistantly arrive on your doorstep, already cooked and ready to eat. "Take and bake" seems to defy all pizza logic, in that you have to go and get it, and then, once you've gotten it, you have to cook it.

This is what Burger Kings are going to look like soon.

No, really.

The good news is, is should be fairly inexpensive for franchises, as they can pick up everything they need from a Target clearance aisle three years ago. The bad news is, once they make the mandatory upgrade, they're going to have to stare at this all fucking day long.

I never eat at McDonalds anymore. I never walk into a KFC. Burger King rarely, Wendy's occasionally, and Taco Johns only on those occasions when I have managed to forget what it tastes like. As a general rule, my fast-food habits have changed pretty drastically in the past decade. 

But damn, do I love me some Taco Bell.