Hate watch: Fantastic Four

Thanks, HBO! Instead of things I could be doing, I decided to pull up the most recent Fantastic Four movie off the DVR and hate watch it. Enjoy my stream of consciousness notes as I went along.

Ugh, the childhoods of the Fantastic Four. Reed's a nerd! Ben's an abused kid from the wrong side of the tracks!

Misunderstood teenage genius. Ten minutes to establish that Reed is weird and smart and Ben Grimm is his unlikely friend. Well paced, movie.

The Baxter Building! Somehow containing both a top research facility and a college for super geniuses.

Ugh. Reed's got a character-revealing favorite book.

Victor Von Doom or Martin Starr in Silicon Valley? You make the call.

Hey, not creepy at all to use your daughter as bait to get a mentally unstable genius to work for you.

Ugh. "Dr. Doom over here..." - he's got a PhD presumably and his name is Doom so that's not actually clever.

Victor Von Doom or the guy from Mr. Robot? You make the call.

Can we find a replacement for "underground car races" to show that a character is a risk-loving bad boy adrenaline junkie? Please? Also,c an we stop having characters be risk-loving band boy adrenaline junkies?

Inattentive Father Alert!

Don't put a montage in your movie to show us building the MacGuffin. That's not how MacGuffins work.

Oh, that's right. I seem to remember reviews mentioning how long it takes them to actually get their powers. Gonna be a long slog.

Man, all this backstory for characters we're never going to see again because the movie had too much backstory.

Poor monkey. That monkey will never work in this town again.

I like how in all the early versions Reed was all "cover your ears, cover your ears", and then in the big monkey test everyone covers their eyes.

How the fuck could an extra dimensional primordial space explain the origins of life on Earth? You can't just throw any big question at your experiment.

I smell a secret nighttime unauthorized trip in this movie's future.

Calling Doom "Borat" makes no sense as an insult, cultural reference, or joke, movie.

And we have the first thing of even vague relevance happening at minute 41.

Why did the flag puncturing the ground make green energy but not the pitons?

First rule of everything: DON'T TOUCH THE GLOWING SHIT.

Wait, Sue gets her powers without even going on the trip? Fuck you, movie. #feminism.

Secret Government Agency is bad at holding patient-prisoners.

One year time jump? Fuck you, movie.

Oh, hey, thing from earlier in the movie sort of pays off.

Movie, DO SOMETHING.

NON-STOP TYPING ACTION.

World's fairest CGI head butt.

Why is this all Reed's fault? It was Vctor who violated the DON'T TOUCH GLOWING SHIT rule.

They find Doom on Planet Zero by detecting his heat signature from about 100 feet away. Two minutes later, in the lab: "His thermal signature is barely registering". Hey, movie, don't expect me to care if you don't.

Speaking of labs, 90$ of the first hour and a half of this movie is spent in some kind of lab. Five percent Generic Alien Planet, five percent Other.De

DEAD DAD ALERT.

Where the fuck did that jumbo jet come from?

"There is only Doom." Hey, thanks, movie! You're right! I could be playing Doom instead of watching this.

Teamwork lesson! And obligatory "all for a reason" line.

I can't decide if I'm mad that "It's clobberin' time" came out of nowhere, or glad they didn't set up a backstory, or just fortetting that the abusive brother said it at one point or another.

And their big victory over the secret government cabal is to get the secret government cabal to give them... a BRAND NEW LAB! That's not the Baxter Building, even though they established the existence of the Baxter Building.

UGH NAMING SEQUENCE FUCK YOU MOVIE.

UGH HIDEOUSLY DRAWN OUT NAMING SEQUENCE FUCK YOU MOVIE.

It's amazing how superhero movies have made a series of mistakes pretty much since Bryan Singer's X-Men started the modern superhero movie, and yet this movie still manages to make ALL OF THEM.