And here are the four hours of Wrestlemania. Do all these matches and all these people need to be on the card? Probably not. ButWWE is not known for pacing or brevity at the best of times.
Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royale
Who gives a shit? Seriously, this thing was created two years ago, used to give a huge boost to Cesaro that they spent a year squandering, then last year it was relegated to the pre-show and the Big Show won it. It's just a place to put anyone they're not dumping into the IC title ladder match anyway. So let's say The Big Show two-peats because perhaps he'll be retiring soon and this will be his big swan song. At least it's not on the pre-show this year, but that's small comfort.
Chris Jericho Vs. AJ Styles
Yay? If they were going to do this at Mania, why do a best of three series ending at Fastlane? Styles will win here in the easiest prediction of the night. The story and setup is almost identical to the one for Fastlane, only we had the whole "respect / tag team / breakup" thing happen for two weeks in the middle. The only mystery here will be if the WWE has decided what AJ's finisher is yet. Please don't let it be the springboard forearm.
Shane McMahon vs. The Undertaker, Hell In A Cell
Shane-O-Mac has to win this for this storyline and this match and his return and the very universe itself to have any meaning or purpose. It's going to be awful to watch, and I have no idea how they're going to make any of it seem plausible in the slightest, but Shane will win. Sure, they threw the "Undertaker Will Never Wrestle At Mania Again" clause in to put some doubt in it, bu Taker's old. And they can just move his annual appearance to Summerslam or Survivor Series if they want.
Intercontinental Ladder Clusterfuck: Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn And Five Other Guys Getting In The Way Of Kevin Owens And Sami Zayn
Seriiously, Dolph Ziggler is the only other guy with a reasonable claim to even be in this match. Sin Cara, The Miz, and Stardust are lucky they're not in an eight-man tag on the pre-show against the Prime Time Players. And Zack Ryder is subbing in for the injured Neville, which is the best thing that's ever happened to Zack Ryder. Ugh. Owens retains because the WWE better not make Sami Zayn's big revenge a win in this match.
Charlotte vs. Becky Lynch vs. Sasha Banks, Triple Threat, Diva's Championship
This is where The Boss gets crowned. Charlotte's title run has done everying it possibly can do. Becky Lynch isn't quite where she needs to be to make a championship run work. But a Sasha win at Mania could shoot her to the goddamned moon.
Dean Ambrose vs. Brock Lesnar, Street Fight
Toughest match on the card to call, because ultimately, neither guy would be hurt by losing, and neither guy would gain much by winning. But I have to assume, given the vignettes over the past few weeks where Dean Ambrose has been granted the mantal of Hardcore Legend by past Hardcore Legends, that he beats The Beast here. And possibly becomes the standard-bearer for a reinstated Hardcore Championship in the new edgier Shane McMahon era of Raw? That last one's a bit of a stretch so let's not call that a prediction.
The New Day vs. The League Of Nations (Tag Team Championship)
NEW DAY! NEW DAY! Every element of storytelling logic says that New Day need to defeat The League at Mania to cement themselves as the top faces in the tag division. There may be a time, soon, for them to lose the belts through dastardliness and have to fight to retain it, but the time to start that is not at Wrestlemania.
Roman Reigns vs. HHH, WWE Championship
They're going to put the belt on Roman and nobody will like it. I know I made this prediction a year ago, and we got the Seth Rollins swerve and a great title run before his injury, but you can just tell how bad WWE wants this to happen and wants it to work, and they think they can will it into existence. HHH certainly can't be walking out of Mania the champ, and no injured stars (Rollins, Cena, Cesaro) are rumored to make a surprise return, so Reigns gets it. The match, and the result, are gonna get booed out of the place, too. If they're smart, they'll put this on before Ambrose-Lesnar, but good luck getting them to admit that's the match people really want to see.