The Fieri Sanction

I wanted to photoshop this to make him look douchier, but I couldn't figure out HOW.

Guy Fieri is to food television what ebola is to strong, healthy muscles.

I've watched Food Network for a very long time. A disturbingly long time, come to think of it. One of the things that this means is that I was there for the Rise Of Emeril. When I first started watching Food, Emeril was just another guy with just another show. He wasn't any more famous than any other TV chef, which, at the time, wasn't very famous at all. Emeril's rise to prominence was an unpleasant experience for a lot of us. I'm betting it was as unpleasant as it could be for Emeril himself once you account for all the money and fame. Because the more famous he got, the more of a Pavlovian freakshow he became.

At the height of his power, Emeril could have taken dog turds, thrown them into a pot of sulfuric acid, and as long as he yelled BAM! while he did it, people would have applauded, cheered, and gone home to fill their four quart Emerilware saucepan with H2SO4 and gone hunting in the neighborhood yards for local, organic ingredients. In fact, I'm not entirely sure this hyperbolic scenario didn't happen, because I'm not entirely sure that one of those dog turds didn't grow up to be Guy Fieri.

Guy Fieri was the winner of The Next Food Network Star, Season 2. The Season 1 winners got two short seasons of their comfortably gay catering show on the air, then vanished. The Season 3 winner got one short season of bland, pretentious protoFrench out of it before disappearing. Yet the grim, bermuda-clad spectre of Guy Fieri still haunts us to this day. Why is this? Because Guy Fieri is a whore. And when I say "whore", I don't mean the somewhat respectable profession of having sex for money. No, when I say "whore" I mean Guy Fieri is the ultimate sellout, because he showed up pre-sold-out.

Guy Fieri can't cook. OK, that's not an entirely fair assessment. I've never eaten his food. So all I have to go on is circumstantial evidence. The first piece of which is his Sacramento restaurant, which is called Tex Wasabi's Rock-N-Roll Sushi-BBQ. Oh, wacky cognitive dissonance! Wasabi? That's Asian! Tex? That's.... NOT ASIAN! What a zany, fun place that should be! It's iconoclastic in precisely the safe, bland way I need it to be so that I can tell my co-workers on Monday that I went there and they will be mildly shocked at my outrageousness without firing me. Sushi AND barbecue? I must have been CRAZY to go there and order anything off of the most punchable menu in restaurant history.

The second piece of evidence is the cooking show that was his right as a Next Food Network Star. It's called "Guy's Big Bite", and I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't know it existed. On "Guy's Big Bite", Guy The Middle Aged Unrepentant Frat Boy cooks a bunch of fucking Champps-level sports bar food, usually with a couple of his middle-aged unrepentant frat boy friends in tow to stir things for him. He has a big red refrigerator with race car stripes and a number on it. That's really all you need to know.

Fieri spends most of his time on Food Network hosting "Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives, in which Fieri goes to places with large flat-top grills, orders whatever they have that invovles putting meat and cheese on those grills, takes a bite out of it, and declares it "money". Every once in a while, the show visits a truly interesting place with a truly interesting history and/or some truly interesting dishes and techniques, but you're left to figure that out for yourself, because Guy Fieri is to critical faculties what Superman is to kryptonite.  If anything on that show is ON a hook and/or a chain, you will have to determine that on your own, because in Guy Fieri's world, as long as food has a camera pointed at it, it's the best food ever.

Did I mention the catchphrases? I know, from other context, that "money" is a slang term business-minded chefs use for a dish that will sell. Or at least it used to be, before Guy Fieri grabbed it, pounded it flat, deep fried it, and served it with onion rings. And this isn't an affectation he developed over time, like Emeril did. He walked in the door of Next Food Network Star spouting "Money" and "Off The Hook" and "Off The Chain". There's at least a fifty percent chance that Guy Fieri is actually a Japanese robot inexpicably designed to combine the worst aspects of a celebrity chef, a troll doll, and post-Van-Halen Sammy Hagar. Why would the Japanese do this? I don't know. But if they did, the experiment has succeeded beyond their wildest nightmares.

As a Food Network personality, he's also obligated to show up on other shows, like Next Food Network Star, The Best Thing I Ever Ate, Dinner Impossible, and one especially unfortunate round of Ace of Cakes. I won't dog Fieri for doing this, because they all do it, but I will point out that when he does it, he's really, really annoying.

Oh, and one other thing. You know how you can tell you're a bottom-feeder in the celebrity chef world? When you shill for chain restaurants. When Tyler Florence shilled for Applebee's, it was pretty bad, but at least Florence was pretending to sell vat-grown, plastic-baggie precooked versions of his own dishes. Fieri, on the other hand, was promoting fake versions of dishes that won the Ultimate Recipe Challenge that he didn't even judge, just hosted. Extra bonus sad with a side of fried sad.

So, what's next for Guy Fieri? I can only imagine. I'm betting on a line of branded frozen appetizers, probably just the TGI Friday's ones in new boxes. Oh, and remember that show where Rachael Ray awkwardly interviewed B-list celebrities over a meal? Imagine that, only with Guy Fieri doing the interviewing, and the subjects are all Jimmy Buffett fans who talk about the one time they briefly met their idol at an autograph signing or in an elevator. Or they could just make him an Iron Chef, and bring about Gotterdammerung.

 

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Urgh

That is indeed extremely punchable.
 
But is it better or worse than Ping's?

Ping's

Ping's doesn't use "Killer" as an adjective. So it ekes out a Pyrrhic victory.

It's not even fusion.  It's

It's not even fusion.  It's just those things on the same menu segregated by category.  Odd.  

Best Celebrity Profile Ever!

I find the diner show strangely compelling, but you have nicely summarized the guy's entire career!

His Hairstylist Played a Lot of Final Fantasy

Christ, his 'do alone tells me all I need to know about his credibility in ANY domain!
This makes me doubly glad that I cancelled my cable and then recently downloaded & burned several seasons of Good Eats, which is like having access to a 24/7 Alton Brown channel instead of the Food Network. Incidentally, thank you Bryan for the Good Eats tip-off, I've levelled-up four times since that blog entry. I don't know how I missed his show before...my eyes must have been glazed over from too many episodes of Kitchen Nightmares and Jamie's Italian Magical Mystery Tour.

In case you mean FOX's

In case you mean FOX's Kitchen Nightmares, I should point out the UK version is aces.  And with a demonstrated proficiency at "finding" tv, you're all set.  

Ah, The Guy Factor....

Ah, I don't know....while I share some amount of your contempt for the Guyster (yes, his food is swill, his mannerisms and catchphrases make you want to gouge your eardrums out and skewer your eyeballs and deep-fry them), he has certainly taken his 15 minutes of fame and run with it. And he has certainly made more money in the last few years than you or I will see in several lifetimes.
 
Basically, for me, he points up all that is wrong with the Food Network. Celebrity over substance, convenience over cuisine, trash over taste. But this is America, where tractor-pulls and frozen pizza reign supreme, and a guy like Guy is, well, inevitable. But, consider, the Food Network is also home to the genius of Alton Brown/Good Eats. And Anthony Bourdain, whom I consider to be the culinary equivalent of, say, Bryan Lambert, won't touch Food Network with a ten-foot pole.
 
As I write this, I'm listening to Mike Malloy rant about Glenn Beck, and I think, in a world where both people exist, ya know what? I'll take Guy over Beck ANY FUCKING DAY OF THE WEEK. I know, it's a non-sequitur to compare one to the other on a food blog, but that's my take on it.

Now, That's Cold

Jeez, dude. I only called him a dog turd, a robot, and ebola.

But saying at least he's a successful whore, and he's a marginal improvement over Glenn Beck? That's just CRUEL.

 

Well, when ya put it THAT

Well, when ya put it THAT way......ouch.

Ugh. I think there's only one

Ugh. I think there's only one Food Network show that I hate even more - 'Cake Boss'.
http://tlc.discovery.com/tv/cake-boss/cake-boss.html
Seriously, I don't want to watch some whiny Italian guy bake cakes all day while trying to act tough like some retarded Mafia guy. We get it, you're Italian. We get it, you run the business with your sisters. Stop being a fucking douchebag for fuck's sake, at least the people in Ace of Cakes are happy and pleasant to watch!

Whoops, Cake Boss is on TLC.

Whoops, Cake Boss is on TLC. I'm completely going blind apparently because even the link I posted was to TLC. It doesn't help that I don't watch TV that often. >.>;

The Unlearning Channel

Not watching TV often isn't anything to apologize for :) The present state of TLC ought to be enough to send anyone running to cancel their cable...I think once, there was a time when it lived up to it's forgotten name. Now....watching it makes people's IQ's plummet into the Borderline range.

Sacto Restaurant

I've eaten there.  It was atrocious.  I generally like some really odd food combos (I put asian hot sauce on my burritos for example).  But this was a nightmare.  Apparently his new local restaurant isn't doing do well either.  It's literally killed people (Roseville location I think).

Agreed

Having been a line cook in a little dive every time that tard cart eats something in the kitchen, then puts his slimy hand into their cooking ingredients, I get uncontrollable eye twitches.  Gross.  You can just see him doing beer bongs in the cooler later and trying to cop a feel as he moves past the  underage waitresses.

Not that I'm a fan of his,

Not that I'm a fan of his, but just playing Devil's Advocate here - it could be possible he washes his hands before touching ingredients, there's a lot of footage they likely edit out. Then again, I haven't seen too many episodes, so you could be referring to one where he takes a bite out of something and then immediately touches some ingredients.

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