Motherfuckin' Lucha Underground! (1/27)

I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore. I cannot in good conscience lump Lucha Underound in with the Weekly Wrasslin' Wroundup. So, going forward, Lucha Underground gets its own segment, because it's too damn good not to. Plus, it's almost not even a wrestling show anymore, even though it was full of wrestling.

The show, and the season, opened with a filmed vignette that showed announcer Matt Striker picking up announcer Vampiro in a black stretch convertible complete with hydraulics. In the middle of a desert. With a tarp over it for some reason. Oh, and did I mention that Vampiro was being picked up from the PSYCHOTIC BREAK DIVISION of a mental hospital where he spent the six months between seasons? And that prior to being picked up, we had a lengthy scene of him convincing his doctor that it was OK to release him even though he's still crazy on the inside?

That's motherfucking Lucha Underground, right there.

Then we get to the Temple, where we learn that new champion Mil Muertes and his... See, here's the tough part about LU. Katrina is, in wrestling terms, Mil Muertes' manager. She speaks for him. But she also is his evil partner, the holder of a mystical stone, and now, apparently, IN CHARGE OF THE TEMPLE. That Mil Muertes watches over from a MOTHERFUCKING DARK THRONE.

Anyway, Katrina makes Fenix defend the Gift of the Gods belt against King Cuerno. For those who don't recall, the GotG belt is like Money in the Bank - it can be cashed in for a shot at the LU champion, but until it is, it must be defended like a regular championship. So Fenix wants to cash in, but Katrina delays the match for a week and sets up the title defense for tonight. Cuerno defeats Fenix in a hellacious match, using a new piledriver-esque finisher, and it's later revealed that Cuerno and Katrina have a deal, presumably protecting Mil Muertes from Gift of the Gods challenges.

That's when the former Trios champs, who really need a team. Name, show up. Son of Havok, Ivelisse, and new Motorcycle Gear Angelico want a shot at the Disciples of Death, but instead, Katrina makes them fight each other for a shot at Muertes for the belt.

So we have a solid triple-threat match, and shockingly, Ivelisse prevails. So in the very first episode, we have a Gift of the Gods title change, and the first ever woman to challenge for the Lucha Underground championship. Holy shit.

Meanwhile, Black Lotus, who sided with Dario Cueto and murdered her teacher, El Dragon Azteca, is giving some bro tourists directions to a secret underground fighting temple. We learned in the Lucha Underground comic book, of which there totally is one, that apparenty Rey Mysterio Jr. will be involved in the El Dragon Azteca storyline down the road, along with an "El Dragon Azteca Jr.", who I think is a Lucha Underground invention. Anyway.

Ivelisse challenges Mil Muertes for the belt. It's a mismatch, but not in a sexist "man vs. woman" way, but rather a smaller wrestler, tired from one match already, going up against a much larger wrestler who is also the champion and also a monster and also booked as nearly indestructible. And for a little while, towards the end of the match, you think she might have a chance. You know in your head it's not goig to happen, but in your heart, you think maybe, just maybe, and that suspension of disbelief is something I almost never get from wrestling anymore. Anyway, Mil wins, and then goes to beat Ivelisse up more after the match, but the former champ, Prince Puma, makes the save! And then Pentagon Jr. shows up and "breaks" Mil Muertes' arm!

And finally, Black Lotus and the rubes reach the secret underground fight club. But it's not the Temple. It's DARIO MOTHERFUCKING CUETO standing outside a warehouse. He collects $20 from each of the rubes, lets them in, and when the rubes ask who's fighting, Cueto informs them that, of course, they are. The door closes. Horrible fighting sounds emerge as Cueto slowly counts the money. WHAT IS GOING ON.

Goddamn, this show is the best.