Wrestlemania 31 Predictions

Based on the You Are Dumb principle that a cynic is rarely disappointed and occasionally surprised, my Wrestlemania 31 predictions will come in two forms for every match - what I as a cynic think WILL happen, and what I want to happen, even though it'd surprise the shit out of me if it did.

Now, you'd think two predictions per match would be a copout, since most matches can only go two ways, but in some cases I will be going into more detail. Plus one match could go four ways, one match could go 20 or 21 ways, and one match could go seven ways.

So, the predictions:

OVERALL ENJOYMENT OF THE SHOW:

Current pacing puts the show at nine matches in five hours. Two of which will be in the first hour (hour two of the two hour pre-show). So this thing is going to fucking drag no matter how good the matches are. And only three of the matches have a chance of being any good. So this is going to be a much bigger turd than last year.

WWE World Title: Brock Lesnar (C) vs. Roman Reigns

WILL HAPPEN: Many people think the outcome of this match has been thrown into dispute due to Brock Lesnar signing a big deal with the WWE. Given the story they've built up until now, a Roman Reigns loss would cut off his nuts and toss them to the lions. So I'm predicting a Reigns win followed by a Seth Rollins cash-in for the belt, leaving Reigns with a five minute title run. Then there'll be a triple-threat at the next PPV.

WANT TO HAPPEN: What I want to happen is basically what happens above, except that Reigns cheats to win and turns heel, turning Brock face in the process. Now Brock has issues with Reigns for cheating and Rollins for stealing, and Reigns and Rollins can conspire to keep the belt off of Brock.

Sting vs. Triple H

WILL HAPPEN: Sting wins. There's no way Sting isn't winning. HHH no longer needs to win matches to stoke his ego, he has the entire rest of the company to do that.

WANT TO HAPPEN: Sting wins and I enjoy the match.

Intercontinental Title Ladder Match: Bad News Barrett (C) vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Dean Ambrose vs. Daniel Bryan vs. Stardust vs. Luke Harper vs. R-Truth

WILL HAPPEN: WWE wants the crowd to be happy, so either Ziggler or Bryan will win. Ziggler has two recent wins over Bryan on TV, so Bryan will win. Also, Luke Harper will injure somebody.

WANT TO HAPPEN: I kind of want Dean Ambrose to win the belt. I'm not sure why. I just think he can have the most fun with it. The problem is, Ziggler, Ambrose, and Bryan all need stuff to do, but all of them are beloved faces and none of them will be near the big belt for at least three months (more if Cena decides he needs it again) so whichever two don't get the IC belt are going to be spinning their wheels for a while. Also, Luke Harper will injure himself.

Randy Orton vs. Seth Rollins

WILL HAPPEN: All the leadup means that Randy Orton should take this to finally get his revenge for going to do a shitty movie.

WANT TO HAPPEN: I really like Seth Rollins and I don't like Randy Orton, but if Rollins wins, they'll keep wrestling each other. So I guess I want Orton to win?

Bray Wyatt vs. The Undertaker

WILL HAPPEN: Ugh. None of this makes any sense if the Undertaker wins. It doesn't make a whole hell of a lot of sense if Wyatt wins either, but it makes a bit more sense. So let cynicism rule - Undertaker wins. Also, out there prediction, it will be Bikertaker who shows up, not Undead Taker. This will completely undercut Wyatt's whole new face of fear thing and make the entire thing a waste of everybody's time.

WANT TO HAPPEN: Bray Wyatt beats the Undertaker and takes over the gimmick, becoming the New Undertaker. It will be awful, but a different, funnier kind of awful than trying to keep the Backwoods Horror Movie Hick gimmick going for another year.

The Bella Twins vs. AJ Lee & Paige

WILL HAPPEN: Here's the thing about Diva booking in WWE. No matter how good the wrestling is, the stories never seem to be about wrestling. They're all about who's friends with who and are they really friends and by the way all these women are crazy. So I have no idea who will win. That means I'll just pick the opposite of what I sort of want, which is AJ and Paige to win, just because I like Paige still.

WANT TO HAPPEN: Paige to tear shit up in there and win the match.

United States Title: Rusev (C) vs. John Cena

WHAT WILL HAPPEN: Cena will win clean. Cena will win decisively. The crowd will chant USA a lot. Jingoistic fervor will be sated.

WHAT I WANT TO HAPPEN: Rusev is one of my favorite guys in WWE right now. I want to see Rusev-Lesnar for the big belt in six months. So Rusev destroys Cena, the Russian flag drops from the ceiling, Rusev pulls it down from the ceiling and drapes it over Cena's unconscious body. THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN.

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

WHAT WILL HAPPEN: Based on the current lineup of 20 superstars, Ryback wins. Everybody yawns. There is an outside chance that Sheamus will return, making it 21 people in the 20 man battle royal, and if that happens, he'll win. But if that doesn't happen, Ryback.

WHAT I WANT TO HAPPEN: Final four are Curtis Axel, Damien Mizdow, The Miz, and NXT's Hideo Itami. Itami and Axel eliminate each other at the same time, Mizdow eliminates Miz. THIS WILL ALSO NEVER HAPPEN.

Tag-Team Title Match: Cesaro & Kidd (C) vs. The Usos vs. A New Day vs. Los Matadores

WHAT WILL HAPPEN: They'll put the belts on The New Day to see if maybe that'll work. It won't work.

WHAT I WANT TO HAPPEN: Cesaro and Kidd retain. And come up with a decent name for their team. And then dominate the shitty tag division for the next six months.

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Scoring My Predictiond

I'm giving myself 5.8 correct calls out of 9, which is way better than I usually do.

I'm giving myself .8 for tge main event. So there.

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