Top Chef: Texas

Yeah, I've been watching this too.

We're, what, four weeks in? Five? I think four. It's the early days of a Top Chef season, nobody really gives a shit. You spend the first month just trying to figure out who you like and dislike, the second month waiting for the mediocre people to leave, and the third month paying attention.

I mean, they've done three things to try to change up the formula this year, and none of them are working for me. They're in Texas. Yawn.

They're doing that thing on the Internet, that second-chance thing, which appears to be some sort of king of the hill elimination challenge that will bring one person back at some future date. I don't know, because I don't want or need more than 44 minutes of Top Chef a week.

Third, there was that huge two-part opening where they sent like 17 people home and kept 16. That was a fucking nightmare. It was like they were trying to capture the alleged magic of the audition episodes of American Idol. Here's a hint. The problem with Top Chef is not a shortage of interchangeable arm-tattooed and faux-hawked searing meats to medium rare and arranging obscure vegetable purees underneath it.

The one inadvertent theme running through this season is chef abuse. The whole two-part opening must have taken FOREVER to film, and sent six of them through to cook a second time. There was the overnight rodeo thing followed by the exhausted cook-off. And then, this last week, they had to cook for rich Texas douchebags. Even I felt their pain.

I swear, those Dallas plastic surgery cases and douchebag beta males were so insufferable, for a while, it stopped being an ad for Toyota Siennas and started to be an ad for the Occupy movement. Anyone think those people could maybe stand to cut one fucking chin job a year out of their budgets to pay for some infrastructure that isn't their own facebones? Me too.

I have no real favorites yet, which brings me to my other problem with Top Chef - the boring food. The problem with, what, five or six years of cooking competition shows is that there actually aren't that many interesting ways to cook food. Without a couple of breakout chefs who do something consistently different from a culinary standpoint, it's just a race to see who can go the longest without overcooking seafood.

But we'll see. Maybe it'll get more interesting.