The Best Thing I Ever Ate

Just a short note on Food Network's latest show - Food Network personalities and anyone else they can get in front of a camera talking about dishes they love and the places that serve them.

It's a good idea, and shockingly, for Food Network, the vast majority of the people they have talking about the food are their more knowledgable and respectable personalities.

THAT SAID.

There is something wrong with either the show, or the world that we live in, when Guy Fiere, epic whore, TGI Friday's shill, sports bar chef, and Next Food Network Star "winner" can have, as his on-screen text, "Chef, Restaurant Owner".

And then about five minutes later, Chris Motherfucking Cosentino, porkmaster, nose-to-tail expert, a man devoted to resurrecting the lost arts of artisanal charcuterie, and all-around amazing guy from what you can glean about a human being from their television appearances, can have, as his on-screen text, "Chef, Restaurant Owner".

One of these things is not like the other, Food Network. One of these things cooks onion rings while making you want to stab him in the face with a barbecue fork. The other is a chef who, if we as a society decided to cook and eat Guy Fieri, is the man I'd want handling the job.

 

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Guy Fiere, Ringer

I have a theory about Guy Fieri. Now the first season of "The Next Food Network Star" was a pretty big success. They produced a fun program that lifted the lid on their industry, gave their hardcore fans a look behind the scenes, and communicated their brand really well. Except for the whole "contest" thing. The winners of the first season were of course Dan & Steve, the Hearty Boys, who were to put it mildly... flamingly gay. Now this might have scored them big points with their viewers, as Foodies tend to the liberal bent, I'm sure a lot of thier sponsors, being huge soulless corporations, were less than pleased. The Food Network buried the Hearty Boys on Sunday Mornings for a year, then let them quietly go away.
 
This left them with a quandry, their audience simply could not be depended on to make the right decisions in their little contest , so they needed a ringer. Enter Guy Fiere, who was at the time President of the Restaurant Association of the Redwood Empire. Immediately I realized, Guy Fiere did not need to win a stupid contest to get a show on the Food Network. He was the perfect antidote to the Hearty Boys. Big and bombastic. Fun loving and willing to do just about anything. Agonizinlgly straight in a cool Beach Boys fashion. Guy was practically guaranteed a spot on Food TV whether he won or not. The fact that he pulled it off was just gravy.
 
The fact that he's the only winner of this contest anyone has heard of is a crime.

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