The Least Wonderful Time Of The Year

Man, I hate the two weeks before Thanksgiving.

It's bad around other holidays, but Thanksgiving is the worst time out of the entire frigging year to watch food television. Nobody needs to know fifteen completely different "perfect" ways to roast a turkey. In fact, if there WERE fifteen different perfect ways to roast a turkey, we'd all be stumbling on it by accident, rendering the very need for shows telling us all of them nonexistent.

And then there's the Thanksgiving-themed episodes of shows I can barely stand to begin with. Thanksgiving Unwrapped! Ever wanted to see a factory that makes bottled gravy? No? Well, tough shit, Marc Summers is going to show you one.

A Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives Thanksgiving? Nothing could make me long more for a time machine and a case of smallpox vaccine.

Thank fuck I'll be asleep tomorrow morning when Semi-Homemade Thanksgiving airs. I've already been scarred by an apparent inability to escape every single Halloween costume Sandra Lee has ever worn while flipping through channels last month.

There's even a Thanksgiving Food Network Challenge, which at least isn't about twenty foot animatronic turkey cakes being carried to tables while you cut away to stock footage of audience members covering their open mouths and gasping.

About the only possible respite will be stumbling across the turkey frying episode of Good Eats, with  the single greatest MacGyver cooking rig Alton Brown's ever made. But everything else is pure pandering to mythical Thankgiving bullshit.

But seriously, Thanksgiving is the one day a year where nobody really gives a shit how good the food is. I mean, yes, long-simmering resentments and family grudges might come to a head over slightly dried out white meat, but if the turkey's perfectly moist, it'll just happen half an hour later when the wine starts flowing.

Thanksgiving food just needs to be three things. Seasoned enough, not burned, and ideally, reminiscent. What it needs to be reminiscent of depends on your history, but it should be reminiscent of something. Unless it's reminiscent of that fired up tequila turkey with wasabi-jalapeno stuffing Guy Fieri taught you to make on the teevee last year. In that case, start over from scratch.

 

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Um...

You could...um...you know...change the channel? I've heard something called Adult Swim has some good programming. Anyway, wait till next month when cooking shows will alternate between between ham recipes and challenge shows to see who can build the biggest gingerbread house. That will be much better.

I don't watch it...

...I was just detailing why I don't watch it.

Food TV probably eats up a solid 10-15% of my weekly viewing, so when I have to dodge it because of thematic suckage, it grates.

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