The Worst Cooking Show Ever

Clearly, the rule is this. If you've managed to get yourself a TV cooking show, do not, under any circumstances, rhyme.

I mean, the Next Food Network Star crowned Aarti Segueira, who then hosted a show called Aarti Party, which I stopped watching when she made something called a "Huggy Buggy Bread Pudding", and a part of my soul died forever.

Well, now the Cooking Channel has its own rhyming show, and it is the single worst cooking show in the history of the universe. It's called "Bitchin' Kitchen", and you watch it at your peril. I'm serious. I mean, Guy's Big Bite is an awful cooking show. Hell's Kitchen is an awful cooking show. But you could strap me down in front of a marathon of either of those shows with my eyes propped open by toothpicks before I'll willingly endure a second episode of Bitchin' Kitchen. I do not hand out the War Crimes tag lightly, but this show earned it in its first three minutes.

Where to start? I'd start with the name, but the name is the best part. It's not good, mind. But it's the best part. I could start by blaming Canada, or the Internet, the two parents of this Rosemary's Baby of food television. But let's start with the host. Nadia Giosia. I have given a name to my pain, and that name... is Nadia.

She's playing this aggressively stereotypical Italian thing, a sort of blonde Jersey SHore vibe, and she thinks she's funny. Right about now, you should be feeling a chill in the marrow of your bones. This is normal. The theme of the one episode I will ever watch is how to cook for a member of the opposite sex so that they will fuck you. Normally, I'd applaud this level of candor, but it's not candor, it's wink wink naughty preciousness on a scale that boggles the mind.

I defy you to parse this. "Eventually, we all fall in love like nerds. Some of us plunge into it headfirst. Others are more reserved. And me, when I fall in love, I just buy the damn heels. Sackita." That last is a pure phonetic translation of what I assume is some kind of Canadian version of "fugeddaboudit", probably derived from a way of ordering donuts at TIm Horton's or something.

So what about the food? She starts with a french toast with salted caramel. Fair enough. The process is peppered with painful "character" asides and goes on too long, but the recipe's nothing too odd. The only problem with salted caramel is that it allows for the appearance of the first of three secondary characters.

Now, as a Good Eats fan, I accept, and even welcome, the appearance of secondary goofy characters in costumes in my cooking shows. Just, you know. Not these assholes. First up is the Spice Agent, who shows up in his Ragstock mismatch "costume" and French accent to explain fleur de sel to us. Well, not so much explain it to us as explain that it's expensive salt, then make a wedgie joke. No, wait, that's kind. A wedgie REFERENCE.

By the way, keep in mind that as the show progresses, Giosia will break out of her bad Italian stereotype character into other bad characters and voices. And I think it's wildly irresponsible for the Cooking Channel not to warn viewers of the potential seizures these other characters might cause. I had to watch the show with a wallet under my tongue JUST IN CASE.

Dish 2 is a crab-and-pea pasta, which brings us to our second caracter, Panos, who's some kind of Greek-Italian pan-Mediterranean greaser in a wife-beater and waist sash. Don't ask me, I just hate the thing. The man can't even make the line "only with less singing, and more dismembering" work, which is a crime against Sweet Mother Comedy.

The pasta leads into a bit about armpit-stank pheromones. You may be stabbing yourself in the face with a barbecue fork at this point. This is normal.

This leads us to dish 3, a shepherd's pie made with ground beef and topped with crushed potato chips and creamed corn. Finally, a dish as unappetizing as the show! By the way, the food so far is three for three for fatty dairy - cream in the caramel sauce, reduced half-and-half in the pasta sauce, heavy cream in the creamed corn.

The third character, a bodybuilder, did not get his own segment, just a short bit at the beginning pouring melted chocolate over his chest and one dumbfounded cutaway reaction shot. Which was plenty.

Bitchin' Kitchen is a clear case of attempted wackiness gone horribly, horribly wrong. It's like 22 straight minutes of a bad stand-up comedian asking the audience "Am I right?", then waiting for a response as a room full of people sit quietly, all of them too polite to tell the comedian "No, you're not right. You're very, very wrong."

I'm shocked that Cooking Channel is debuting this thing now. If they had this turd poutine on their hands, I'd have expected to see it at the launch, when they're just throwing stuff at the wall to see which one will slide down it the slowest. At least that would have been understandable. Months later, with the channel established and its own original programming running alongside imported reruns? It's just sad on toast.

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Not Aarti?

When you first tweeted that you had seen the worst cooking show ever, my assumption that you were talking about "Aarti Party" was so complete that I didn't even bother to ask which one it was.

Not even close.

Aarti Party is bad, to be sure. But Bitchin' Kitchen is a whole new species of suck.

Ever see that episode of The

Ever see that episode of The Office where Michael goes to the Italian restaurant with the guy he thinks is pushing a mafia protection racket? This girl took her "Italian" lessons from Michael Scott.

I haven't...

... but I can totally see that. It falls into that really awkward, uncomfortable plac that's just short of ironic parody.

It's best not to take

It's best not to take Bitchin' Kitchen too seriously; it's supposed to be unbelievably lame in a stupid sort of way. After all, I'm pretty sure it started as a web show before it was picked up for TV.

Ironic Lameness

If their goal was to make something deliberately unwatchable, then huzzah! They have achieved their life's dream.

Ironic lameness only works if you can detect the irony and the underlying talent, though.

My eyes my eyes! My ears!

Nausea redefined. The single worst show ever, and I don't think the producers think this is a parody nor satire. Apparently they are not thinking. Period.

Nadia G.

Worst cooking show persona ever! What a shame she's on the air. I try to be fair and watch her but its like having a root canal without gas...

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