The more I've gotten into cooking, the more unpleasant it's been for me that I just don't like certain foods. For a long time it was irrelevant, and then it was OK, and now it's just irritating. A lot of dishes are closed off to me because they contain things I cannot abide. So to stop you from wondering why certain things never appear in my recipes, here's the Foul Five - the five foodstuffs whose taste I abhor.
You will never see a wine pairing on Forkbastard. It's not an allergy - none of these are allergies. But I've never been able to stand the taste of alcohol. Wine, beer, liquor, whatever. So I cook with wine, but I don't drink it.
This has certain consequences. For example, I've never seen "Sideways", I can only use the word "oaky" ironically, and I frequently watch my friends drink single-malt in much the same way a dog watches people have sex. They seem to be enjoying it, but for the life of me I cannot understand how or why.
God, I love Google Image Search. Is that not the creepiest fucking thing you've ever seen? Plus, it's made out of BROCCOLI.
Broccoli is ubiquitous. It's easy enough to avoid at home, but broccoli is never listed as an ingredient on a menu unless the dish is actually "Beef With Broccoli". Other than that, you can be going about your business, ordering based on the information provided, and all of a sudden the plate arrives and there's broccoli around it. Or in it.
I think Broccoli Man is out to get me.
With apologies to Jen over at Last Night's Dinner, another thing you will never see on this site is finishing a dish with a lightly fried or poached egg on top. So that you break it open and the runny yolk works its way through the dish. Dear god. I don't know how people do it.
Eggs are fine as a bundle of chemical components in baking or custards or sauces, but actually eating the things? Scrambled or fried or poached or cracked by the dozens and baked? That is nasty. Once again, I find myself unable to comprehend embryo-fetishism.
This one kills me the worst. I've often thought that I should make a serious attempt to try different kinds of olives, to see if there are kinds that I like. I like olive oil. I even like dark fruity olive oils. So you 'd think I'd like olives. But I don't.
And they're always in things that would be really good if I liked olives. Like tapenades. Tapenades sound fantastic. I'd love to eat tapenades on bread. But, well, they're full of fucking olives, aren't they?
I will never like black olives, though. That's immutable. I hate black olives so much that I hate any food that's come within a two inch radius of one, because olives spread their vileness for an inch around them, and I add the second inch as a psychological buffer.
I'd like to thank everyone out there who's been part of the huge uptick in peanut allergies over the past few decades. I'm not one of you, but I can pretend to be if necessary to keep myself from Dr. Carver's vile legume. I hate a lot of nuts to varying degrees, but peanuts are my nemesis.
And peanut butter? The pure essence of peanut, freed from its shell and turned into a clingy paste? That's a horrorshow. And someone needs to explain to me why the hell cold "sesame" noodles everywhere I go aren't sesame noodles, they're PEANUT BUTTER NOODLES. I love sesame. I would love cold sesame noodles. But not if you cover them in peanut sauce, because then they're not sesame noodles anymore, are they? That was a rhetorical question. No, they are not.