The Foul Five

The more I've gotten into cooking, the more unpleasant it's been for me that I just don't like certain foods. For a long time it was irrelevant, and then it was OK, and now it's just irritating. A lot of dishes are closed off to me because they contain things I cannot abide. So to stop you from wondering why certain things never appear in my recipes, here's the Foul Five - the five foodstuffs whose taste I abhor.

The Sauce#5: Alcohol

You will never see a wine pairing on Forkbastard. It's not an allergy - none of these are allergies. But I've never been able to stand the taste of alcohol. Wine, beer, liquor, whatever. So I cook with wine, but I don't drink it.

This has certain consequences. For example, I've never seen "Sideways", I can only use the word "oaky" ironically, and I frequently watch my friends drink single-malt in much the same way a dog watches people have sex. They seem to be enjoying it, but for the life of me I cannot understand how or why.

 

 

#4: Broccoli

God, I love Google Image Search. Is that not the creepiest fucking thing you've ever seen? Plus, it's made out of BROCCOLI.

Broccoli is ubiquitous. It's easy enough to avoid at home, but broccoli is never listed as an ingredient on a menu unless the dish is actually "Beef With Broccoli". Other than that, you can be going about your business, ordering based on the information provided, and all of a sudden the plate arrives and there's broccoli around it. Or in it.

I think Broccoli Man is out to get me.

 

#3: Eggs

With apologies to Jen over at Last Night's Dinner, another thing you will never see on this site is finishing a dish with a lightly fried or poached egg on top. So that you break it open and the runny yolk works its way through the dish. Dear god. I don't know how people do it.

Eggs are fine as a bundle of chemical components in baking or custards or sauces, but actually eating the things? Scrambled or fried or poached or cracked by the dozens and baked? That is nasty. Once again, I find myself unable to comprehend embryo-fetishism.

 

 

#2: Olives

This one kills me the worst. I've often thought that I should make a serious attempt to try different kinds of olives, to see if there are kinds that I like. I like olive oil. I even like dark fruity olive oils. So you 'd think I'd like olives. But I don't.

And they're always in things that would be really good if I liked olives. Like tapenades. Tapenades sound fantastic. I'd love to eat tapenades on bread. But, well, they're full of fucking olives, aren't they?

I will never like black olives, though. That's immutable. I hate black olives so much that I hate any food that's come within a two inch radius of one, because olives spread their vileness for an inch around them, and I add the second inch as a psychological buffer.

 

#1: Peanuts

I'd like to thank everyone out there who's been part of the huge uptick in peanut allergies over the past few decades. I'm not one of you, but I can pretend to be if necessary to keep myself from Dr. Carver's vile legume. I hate a lot of nuts to varying degrees, but peanuts are my nemesis.

And peanut butter? The pure essence of peanut, freed from its shell and turned into a clingy paste? That's a horrorshow. And someone needs to explain to me why the hell cold "sesame" noodles everywhere I go aren't sesame noodles, they're PEANUT BUTTER NOODLES. I love sesame. I would love cold sesame noodles. But not if you cover them in peanut sauce, because then they're not sesame noodles anymore, are they? That was a rhetorical question. No, they are not.

 

 

Comments

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.

I share your olive/olive oil

I share your olive/olive oil dichotomy.  It's odd.  (Though I can like an tapenade in small doses - like the French Laundry book's Caesar.)

Cauliflower

What's your opinion on cauliflower? I don't see any reason to hate broccoli that doesn't go double for cauliflower.

One Big Reason

I can think of one big reason. Cauliflower tastes different.
I'm not a huge cauliflower fan, but it's milder than broccoli, and so if it's cut fairly small and infused with curry, it's a pretty innocuous vegetable. On its own, no, I do't bother touching the stuff.
 

they hate you

Google Ads have a great sense of humor:

  • Loading...

Interesting similarities and differences

#5 - I'm with you on that one. Even in my youthfull "drinking" days, I never touched wine or beer, and now all alcohol turns me off. Wine is the worst, though. I don't understand how people love it so much.
#4 - Now this I do enjoy, but I do not enjoy cooking it. Steamed broccoli is nice, but the steaming it creates this foul greenish water with a horrible aroma. Cauliflower I can't stand the look or taste of, but cook it thoroughly and mash it up with chicken broth and garlic and I love it.
#3 - No eggs at all? Not even fully cooked eggs? I'm with you on the whole runny-yolk bit. I cannot stand an undercooked egg, and any dish that is designed to have that yellow soup running down it is off limits for me. I love hard-boiled eggs, though, and fried eggs if they are cooked completely. Hard to get any restaurant to figure that out, though. They have this whole pride thing about not breaking the yolk, but I don't know why.
#2 - "I hate black olives so much..." HAHAHA, I love this part! I cannot eat a black olive, and I hate when they throw those things on a perfectly good pizza. The only olives I can eat and enjoy are the generic green kind stuffed with pimento, and probably only because I grew up eating them.
#1 - This is funny. I'm with you on peanut-based sauces; don't like that at all, nor do I really use peanuts in any kind of cooking. (I make an exception for cashew chicken, because cashews are awesome.)

Try being a vegetarian who hates olives.

Vast swaths of vegetarian restaurant dishes, frozen foods, and recipes are chock full of olives, as are pretty much all standard vegetarian special pizzas (gourmet specialty places like Pizza Luce, et al., excepted.) Every year or so, I go out of my way to try olives - black, kalamata, and green - hoping my palate will have changed, or something. It never has. I even like capers, for crying out loud, and really strong dill pickles, and sauerkraut, and plenty of briny preserved things, but olives just gross me out. While I can pick them off pizza much more easily than picking ham off pizza (talk about a lake of vileness spreading over the whole dish!), I still prefer to avoid that as much as possible.
I like hard-cooked eggs, omelets, quiches, egg bakes, etc., except that many of them are are full of pig. Or olives! OR BOTH!Otherwise, eating soft-cooked eggs - or actually thinking about hard-cooked eggs while eating them - is a ticket to Grossville.
In other news, broccoli and cauliflower = yum, peanuts = OK to good, alcohol = not interested.

Drat.

I'm not used to things that don't make you log in to comment. I claim the above comment. I'm not (as) ashamed (as I should be)!

And furthermore, re: experimental olive-tasting

There may be really fancy olives that are good, and fancy-schmancy olive bars do tempt me (all those cloves of garlic,) but at best that means you can use with them at home. All the restaurant stuff (at least in the $$ range) still uses the big 3 yucky ones.
Still, if you want to have a fancy olive-tasting night sometime, I'm up for that.

Interesting

This was definitely an interesting read for me, despite feeling the opposite way about most of it.
I enjoy drinking Alchohol but I usually do not enjoy any dishes made with it. 
I love Brocolli, both by itself and as an ingredient in a recipe, but that's probably because of my lactose-intolerance; I have to get my Calcium somewhere.
I like Eggs in general, but I don't usually put them in or on top of a dish unless its fully cooked.
Interesting story about Olives: when I was young, my aunt put olives on the tips of all my fingers. I stared at my hand for about 2 minutes before I started bawling my eyes out until someone took them off. Little round bastards can rot where they grow for all I care now. Also, "...because olives spread their vileness for an inch around them...", I feel the same way about pickles on sandwiches.
Despite the fact I've never met a nut I didn't like (except the "softshell" kind), I ABSOLUTELY HATE peanut sauces. I hate having my mouth water over something that looks really delicious, only to feel bile rise in my throat at the sight of the words "Peanut Sauce" on the box or in the description. Its gotten me in the habit of triple checking anything I order in any Asian restaurant.
 
 

Asian restaurants

Try Korean or Japanese food.  Thai food is where you really see the peanuts and peanut sauces, but they have been known to sneak into Chinese food.
 
ps. 3, 4 and 5 are essential to human life.

I met someone in college who

I met someone in college who was Thai and allergic to peanuts.  It was like god hated him.

Black olives are headless, feetless cockroaches.

They're just beyond vile. Green olives are almost as bad. I've tried to like them. Being vegetarian, I get forced to deal with them often because they're in fucking everything. The only olives I haven't loathed have been growing on trees in Greece. They taste different when they're fresh and not brined. Still not good. but not the squishtastic loathesome mass that they are once preserved.

The Foul Five Redux

#5: Alcohol. Balm of the soul. Tasty beverages that have the added bonus of numbing the pain of daily life, and some times the only thing that keeps me from getting on the roof with a bazooka. 
And you don't have to be a winefreak to enjoy "Sideways", it's a goddamn funny flick, even if you don't get the wine references.
Ya know, if there were such a thing as reincarnation, I believe I would come back as my dog, who leads a pretty good life, and it would explain why he(me) gets so upset when me an' the wife are goin' at it.
 
#3: Oh, man, a big plate of corned beef hash would just not be the same without a couple of over-easys. And what about that king of Chinese dishes, Egg Foo Yung?
 
#2: I share your disgust of black olives, and cannot comprehend why they show up in so many otherwise perfectly great foods. There's a Mexican fast-food chain out here called Taco John's that puts these disgusting black things in their Super Burrito, and care must be taken to order sans black olive.
 
#1: While I prefer cashews over peanuts, they are good with beer. And that peanut dipping sauce you get with Vietnamese spring rolls? Killer. In fact, most Vietnamese dishes come with a sprinkling of ground peanuts, and Vietnamese is possibly the most sublime form of cuisine on the planet. What about Nutty Buddies? Wouldn't be the same without peanuts.

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.