As I mentioned on Twitter this afternoon, the New York Times put up a profile of Guy Fieri that was essentially an IKEA catalog - if IKEA sold reasons to punch Guy Fieri instead of flat-pack furniture.

Here, in digest form, are all those punchable things.

  • The title of the article refers to him as "Chef-Dude".
  • In his public appearances, he's played in to "Sweet Home Alabama". What, was Van Halen not white enough?
  • "flip-flops, mirrored sunglasses and a red chef’s coat with skull-shaped buttons". I'll say this about Fieri. With accessories like that, he must be really good at Skeeball.

For the record, we are now one paragraph in.

  • Spraying the front rows with water! Because the world needed a third Gallagher.
  • Pretending he needs a bail-bondsman on speed dial.
  • "this platinum-haired, heavily tattooed chef-dude has proved that he has a Sarah Palin-like ability to reach Americans who feel left behind by the nation’s cultural (or, in his case, culinary) elite." I love that Sarah Palin is now filling the analogy slot that would have been populated by Larry, The Cable Guy two years ago.
  • An audience member likes him because all the other hosts on the Food Network seem to "talk down to" everybody. If you think the entire panoply of Food Network personalities are intellectual snobs, you should see a neurologist, because you have brain damage.
  • He owns ten sports cars. Nine American models, and one Lamborghini, because if you've got that hair and mirrored sunglasses and vast sums of money, well, the Lamborghini is almost mandatory.
  • This is more the NYT's fault, but they list as examples of his patriotism visiting troops in the Gulf and grand-marshalling a Nascar race. One of these things is not like the other.
  • He's got a football tailgating show coming this fall, which means another four hours a day I won't be able to watch Food Network.
  • In addition to Tex Wasabi's Rock'N'Roll Suchi BBQ, about which too much, and yet never enough, has already been said - he also has a couple of "Italian" places called, I shit you not, "Johnny Garlic's", which serve, I shit you not, Cajun chicken pasta alfredo.
  • As an example of his awareness of food issues, they quote him as telling his Vegas audience "Will organics prevail? I don't know." I admit, it's rare to see that level of savvy and insight outside of beauty pageants.

Ladies and gentlemen, Guy Fieri: America's Chef.