So it's that time of year again, the time of year when PepsiCo irritates the universe with its sugar-water extreme election, which it has dubbed "Dewmocracy" for the express purpose of pissing me off.

The only good thing about it is that we get three new soda flavors for a while. In Mountain Dew tradition, these names make no sense whatsoever. White Out is lemon, Typhoon is strawberry-pineapple, and Distortion is lime. They don't even care anymore, honestly.

Upon recommendation, I bought a twelve-pack of the Distortion, and lo and behold, it was good. And for a Mountain Dew beverage, surprisingly... subtle? Not too sweet, not too cloying, just some lime flavored soda. I did detect some traditional Dewness, but not right away. Like halfway through the second can, it was there. No, I didn't drink two cans one right after the other. The first one was breakfast, the second was lunch.

One thing I didn't do was pour some of it out to see what horrifying color it was, because a Mountain Dew without a mind-scarring color isn't really Mountain Dew. As long as it looks less like anti-freeze than Surge did, I'll be happy.

There was one... problem, however. I drank two cans of this over the course of a few hours. After two weeks of caffeine abstinence, something I do every once in a while to just reset my system. 

I don't know how coke and meth users do it. Seriously. Twenty four ounces of this and I was fucking jacked. I was vibrating like The Flash trying to pass between the molecules of a Magic Fingers bed during an earthquake. I don't want anything that makes me go faster than this. Things would start exploding. And not in a good way.

Hey, look, I wrote enough to fill in the space next to this giant graphic from Mountain Dew Distortion's Facebook page. Which reminds me. Soda shouldn't have its own Facebook page. Call me old-fashioned, but that's what I believe. Unless it's the residual caffeine jag talking.