The Genesis Of Forkbastard: "What The Fuck Am I Eating?"

I have a slightly embarassing confession to make, and I might as well get it right out front. Recently, Penny Arcade decided to branch out from its pure nerdcomic roots and try a new creative endeavor. The first of those, "Lookouts", was revealed to have been thought up in an Arby's.

With Forkbastard, I'm branching out from my pure comedy-polemic roots and trying a new creative endeavor. And it, too, was thought up in an Arby's. Which means this blog has more in common than little fantasy-world Cub Scouts than I am entirely comfortable with.

Here's the deal. I was in Arby's for lunch, because I was by myself, and I don't go very often. And for all the evils that the fast food industry and corporate agriculture have forced upon the world, they've also created some modern food marvels. Like curly fries dipped in horsey sauce. To accompany my lunch's primary purpose, I tried the All-American Roastburger, because I was skeptical of the whole Roastburger concept and wanted to see if there was anything to it.

Not the All-American Roastburger

And there was, in fact, something to it. Epic cognitive dssonance. I had forgotten something I'd seen a few other places in the food world. That "all-American hamburger" is code-speak for the McDonalds flavor profile. Ketchup, mustard, onion, and that weird pickle that doesn't taste like a pickle. That doesn't taste like anything else on the planet except a McDonalds pickle. That's what the All-American Roastburger tastes like. A McDonalds hamburger.

Which is, I must emphasize, deeply fucked up if you aren't expecting it. One of the joys of fast food to me is the appeal of certain flavors, otherwise unreproducible in nature, that you'd probably despise in any other context. Like the McDonalds pickle, or the orange ground beef from Taco Bell, or that weird quasi-beef taste of Arby's shaved protein. The AA Roastburger not only provides you with the wrong flavor in the wrong context, it completely masks the quasi-beef flavor which is, apart from the aforementioned curly fries dipped in horsey sauce, the only reason to ever eat at Arby's in the first place. What the fuck was I eating?

That's when it struck me - this was precisely the kind of thing I would write about given a suitable platform. I could force it into a You Are Dumb column, sure, but what it really pointed toward was someplace else, where I could hate on a Roastburger AND actually extol the virtues of other things you shove in your face-hole. And then the perfect name came to me. FOODBASTARD. And then I thought of the "flipping the fork" image to go along with it. And then I got home and found out foodbastard.com is a shitty blog, all in lowercase, about meals that cost less than $5. So, returning to the iconic image I'd thought of, Foodbastard became Forkbastard, and the rest will be history.

 

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All fast food is narsty

Some fast food is narstier than others, but it's all wretched, really.

Your refined palate simply

Your refined palate simply cannot appreciate the majesty of, say, a chicken bacon guacamole from Quiznos.
 

TH TROOTH

WHY R RU COVERING UP THA FAKT THAT GORGE BUSH WAZ BLU UPP THA WURLD TRAID CENTR????? BILDINGS DONT MELT!
 
(First Bryan, congratulations on the new site. Second, you wanted a blog, you get blog style comments. Deal with it.)

Ditto.

Minneapolis foodhole discussion from the man who brought you the Mormon/Ninja window cling.
 
 

Hot pickles

I love McDonalds' pickles. In fact, the various McDonald's condiment combinations may be what I miss most in my life of vegetarianism. Mmm, special sauce. I mean, technically I could eat the fixings, but I think I've run through all the guys in town who will let me sit next to them in the restaurant and lick their...
You know, I thought I could play the role of the inappropriately innuendo-riffic female commenter here, since every blog needs one, but I just can't do it. Sorry to subvert the paradigm.

Mickey Sleaze

Why can't you eat McDonald's if you're a vegetarian?  It's not like they use actual meat. >.>

Vegetarian who eats at McDonald's.

Double cheeseburger, no meat, leaf lettuce and tomato. It has all the tastes of the cheeseburger, with no meat. I mean, come on, it's not like you can taste the soggy cardboard "meat" anyway. 

I'm not sure anything makes

I'm not sure anything makes me more convinced that the world is not accommodating to vegetarians (and by extension, makes me glad not to be one) than "solutions" like a McDonalds condiment sandwich.  (We will specifically except Five Guys who manage to make their meatless cheeseburger into a pretty good grilled cheese.)

Ah, the Big Mac, how do I

Ah, the Big Mac, how do I love thee? From thine two all-beef patties to thine triple-decker sesame-seed bun, that's how. Add a slice of tomato to this baby, and you've got the best fast-food burger in the universe. Period.
 
And I think you did a pretty good job on the innuendo. certainly got my pickle in an uproar. :)

Congratualtions.

Hey there Bryan. I have been reading YAD since the election last year. I find your commentary funny and insightful. That being said, I look forward to having more of your material to read.
~The Illustrious Mr. Lobster

It's congratuLations

Also, that was really an illuminating comment there, Mr. Lobster. Looking forward to more!

Nineteen hours before I have

Nineteen hours before I have to kindly ask someone not to be a douchebag in the comments. That's not bad.
 

Curiousity killed

Well, I was wondering what that Roastburger would taste like, and this told me all I needed to know. Thanks for taking one for the team, you're the best!

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